In the cold of dawn I smell the longings in my heart
With my wedding ring I know we will never be apart
I curve your face in my hand with this knife
telling that forever you will be part of my life…
The vows we made screaming in my head
The wedding gown I’m wearing turn red
I close my eyes and I feel your lips
In what you did my heart pound and race…
The pain you gave… made a rain outside
Now I’m picking up the pieces of what shattered inside
The tears I cried that can burn a skin
Throwing me back to where I’ve been…
My scream that you can’t hear
To see life without you is what I fear
Only you and I in a closed door
And no one can take you away from me anymore…
This is my life glued in what you gave
I’m still breathing but I’m lying on your grave
The stab of my knife… your blood pours
You’re presence in my grief made a curse
Asking us… what went wrong???
Left a hatred… growing strong
I close your eyes and kiss your lips
Honey, in our vows is were I grip
The wind blows and I’m going now
Carrying your lies and our broken vows
With your blood in my nails that made it red
Will remind me of you… lying lifeless in my bed
Matthew Hadford was my childhood friend coming from a good family. We knew each other since I was five and he was eight. We played together and shared happy thoughts, We became best friends close enough to share our happiness and sometimes sentiments in life. He was so caring, sweet, nice, understanding and most of all gentleman. especially when he reached grade six he had beautiful qualities that make my friendship with him became deeper and intimate. I began longing such gentleness until an unusual feeling bloomed in my heart at my young age. first I got crushed on him until i discovered that I fall in love with my best friend.
I know I’m still young and he treated me only as his younger sister but I can’t deny that I got jealous every time he’s with Schamilla, a happy -go- lucky in school with her red lips stick and her high class perfume, she always invited my best friend to take snack with her and it seems she had a crush on Matthew. It hurt me seeing them very sweet and my poor heart cried.
I tried to put some lips stick to catch his attention but he just laugh at me and asked “What are you doing with that lips stick messed on your face?” I looked at him and answered ” I just want to be pretty too like Schamilla” He laughed again and pinch my nose “You don’t have to be like her because you’re more than her… you’re pretty even without that stuff” He said and walk away without seeing how he make me smile and put butterflies on my stomach.
For him everything is normal, we’re friends and we’re really good friends that’s it and end of the story but for me every day that I’m with him my feelings growing and I don’t know how to stop it. Until we reached Highschool he’s in his fourth year while I’m in my first year. My heart burst when I discovered that he have a feelings for Schamilla. In fact he was about to give her a ring, a symbol of his love to the pretty young lady and it seems that he’s still innocent with my feelings.
He wears the ring at my middle finger and practiced his speech in front of me that really hurt me a lot. The speech that he will tell Schamilla one’s he give the ring. I kept on hiding my love for him, pretending that I am not hurt but this time it’s over. I can’t hide it anymore the pain really killing me. I took off the ring at my finger and threw it away. I also run away with my tears falling from my face with his voice in my head and his sweet words for him. telling that he’s really in love with Schamilla. I thought he will be mad at me but i heard his voice shouting “Hey! come back!” He’s running also right behind me. I feel like he’s chasing me until I step on the rock and fall to the ground. “Are you okay?” He asked and help me stand “I’m okay I’m just not feeling well” I lied again and wipe the tears on my eyes. “You’re wounds are bleeding” He said when he saw my wounds on my knees “Come, I’ll take you home” He said and he carry me home.
I keep on denying that I love him just to ease the pain but it wont help me. I asked myself if it’s okay to hide my love for him because I know that he love Schamilla and it hurts me every time he discussed his plans for Schamilla.
Until day passes, after his fourth year his parents forced him to continue his college in Canada and work there after college. “Till we meet again Diana… always remember that I’ll be your best friend forever” He said with a smile and wears me a bracelet as his remembrance for me. “Don’t forget me” I told him with tears but he wipe it away and smile at me “Cheers! I’m not leaving you I will just leave abroad but still I will keep communicating with you” He said but I didn’t response or look into his eyes. “Diana, Don’t make this hard for me I will miss you too but we need to be apart” He said and hug me for the very last time. he turned to Schamilla and kissed her on the lips and hug her. the hug and kiss from him that I’m dreaming for a long time. “I love you honey” The sweet words that he whispered to Schamilla wishing that someday he would whisper it to me. that was the last hurt moment that I remember with my best friend.
Years had passed and I’m still dreaming of him. I mailed him about my eighteenth birthday and I want him to be my eighteenth dance and he responded about his wedding with Scamilla and I’m invited. “Oh god this is not true” I whispered with my tears unnoticed fall down my cheeks. he will marry Schamilla and I’m invited. soon they will have a family together and I will be out of the picture and I hate and I don’t like it but I have nothing to do with it. Matthew sees me only his best friend a childhood friend and his younger sister and his true love is Schamilla and soon to be his wife.
I went to Canada for their wedding. The day of my nightmare as I watched them marching at the aisle broke my heart. I keep on crying stupid enough to blame myself for falling -in- love with my best friend. I keep crying and my heart keep on breaking stupid enough for him to hear it but I don’t want him to notice it. What for?? he’s happy now and I don’t want ruin his wedding.
I spent only a month in Canada and go back to Philippines when my father called me and informed me about my mother. My mother was in the hospital because she was diagnosed by a stage three cancer and I need to nurse her and take good care of her. I decided not to celebrate my eighteenth birthday because of Matthew he hurt me for marrying Schamilla but my mom forced me to celebrate. she told me that she wants to see me with the elegant dress and dance with like a princess with a prince charming but my prince charming is already married.
Until the 26th day of November -marked to be a very special day for me. every body is enjoying singing, dancing and drinking. My old friends took my hand and offer me a dance which I couldn’t resist. first dance, second dance, third, fourth and finally my EIGHTEENTH DANCE. I was very much surprised! when I saw Matthew, I never thought that he will come to my debut. that gentleman with a handsome face take my hand and ask me for a dance. Matthew Hadford, my best friend and also the love of my life is my EIGHTEENTH DANCE. he was smiling and dancing with me indeed a wonderful feeling and unforgettable moment. Thanks to Schamilla and he let Matthew to come to my debut and dance with me, she got his heart anyway, I enjoyed the moment we are dancing together, I’m looking at his face. the face that perfectly God’s creation that can make woman happy and beautiful in so many ways. He smile to show an indescribable feeling and expression, so meaningful letting me know that he cares for me. that he loves me too! his eyes is telling me that he loves me too but I don’t want to assume because I know he’s married but he kiss me and hug me “What’s the matter with you?” I asked him but he didn’t answer.
Tomorrow morning, the night and the party were over. We are cleaning up the mess when my mobile phone rang, and it was Schamilla, Matthew’s wife. “We need to talk you really need to come here” She said when I answered the phone and he gave me the address. She’s also here in the Philippines and I guess his with Matthew so I didn’t think twice. I immediately went to the address that she gave me and when I reached the place. It was quiet place and it bothers me. “Schamilla” I called “Diana come in” She said. so I come in and I was shocked to what I saw. “No” I whispered, my best friend lying in the coffin. my heart burst as well as my tears “Matthew!” I cried as I run near to his coffin. “I’m sorry Diana he didn’t make it to come to your party. actually he’s excited to attend in your debut and he took the flight in the 24th of November just to attend your debut but unfortunately the plane crashed and he didn’t survive” Schamilla cried. I can’t believe in what’s happening right now because he was dancing with me last night and it’s real and I know he’s real. “It takes 24 hours to find his body and I decided to bury him here, In the town where he grew up” She cried and hug me “Here take this” She said and gave me some letters from Matthew and I think it’s five to ten letters. “He kept that for so long because he don’t want to hurt me but his wrong decision of marrying me hurt him a lot. He can’t sleep every night dreaming of your tears getting hurt by him… he used to draw your face and look at those pictures of him with you together, the sadness and regrets in his eyes make our relationship brittle and turned into hell… he loves you Diana! he loves you not me!” Schamilla cried and broke.
Knowing that he loves me too makes me happy but it’s too late now. he’s gone and there’s no way to come back only the memories of him will left and the letters that he wrote for me is the only evidence that he loves me too. I knelt down beside his coffin and wishing that this is not true. “Wake up Matthew and tell me that this is all a joke” I cried but he’s not replying. I look at him, he’s beautiful face that danced with me last night. he’s smile and he’s warm hug is all gone now and I have to accept it. another challenge that I have to face.
At first it’s not easy for me to accept it. I’m still hoping that one day he will mail me but I have to accept the reality that he’s gone. Years had passed although I still miss him, I learned to let him go but his memories will remain in my heart and his smile I will treasure to keep me going, to remind me that he is just there watching me… guiding me not as my best friend now but my angel…
You’re swaying walking on the street
trying to lift your foot as fast as you could
Each step you make I know that you can’t lie
You’re gently dying in hunger, dying in pain
And I know in my eyes I can’t hide the excitement
Watching you fall, watching you die
I feel your heart slowly beating and your breath grasping to survive
the smell of your flesh fulfill my hunger
Die now! Die now! for you is all I wanted
You crawl, I’ll watch, You die, I’ll survive
this is your fate and this is my luck
Because you’re death is my survival
I will watch you die and wait for your death
Because in our cycle one will survive on the others lost
And I will survive on your lost
I will eat your flesh and spoil my appetite
Then I will fly again like a king and spot another victim
waiting again for someone’s death
My eyes can see, my nose can smell your death I’ll take advantage
your flesh will keep me alive
waiting and spotting someone that can make us survive!